Confessions

I am afraid of cows.  I think that I always have been.  They are big.  And mysterious.  I'm not talking about the couped up kind that the kids can feed corn to through a fence, but the kind that are free roaming and look at you with that look.  You know the one.  I think they are saying, "What do you want from me, strange woman?  Do you have food or should I charge you like a bull to get you out of my space?". 

Tonight I heard the cows just on the other side of cedar trees that line our land.  They roam the pastures there and make for a fun sight when the kids can watch them graze.  I was alone and decided to venture to the other side of the dense trees to investigate.  I came around a corner and found two calves nursing (the lactation consultant in me loved this...) and the rest of the crew standing by.  Everyone, including the one really big bull, froze.  They stopped nursing and grazing and stared right at me.  It was then I realized that there was merely a single wire dividing us.  So what that it is electrified.  I can't imagine that would stop a cow from charging poor little me!  I had flashes of Pamploma and the very reason I would never run with bulls, or any animal.  I prefer not to be impaled on anything or trampled by a calf that weighs as much as me - or what I weighed in 6th grade anyway. 

I retreated quietly.  They watched.  One of the mothers took steps toward me and I saw my life flash before me.  I made it to the other side of the trees.  I was spared.  This time. 

It isn't about the cows, really.  I am a fish out of water right now and it has nothing to do with the fact that I am a city girl in the country.  It has everything to do with being broken, but not really knowing how or wanting to be fixed.  I don't know anything about cows either. 

The past few weeks (or maybe months now, but who is counting?) I have been depleted.  I'm sure the 8 of you who read this may have been wondering if I fell off into the depths.  But here I am, emerging from the pits of despair (say it like in Princess Bride because it sounds better) and finding that I am the only one who can make change in my life.  It is up to me to accept when I am broken and seek forgiveness, repentance and healing in my heart.  Healing is slightly more difficult when you wake up to a mini-excavator outside your window at 6:30 a.m. two days in a week, after being up 4 times per night with the baby....but I am moving past the lack of sleep to find clarity. 

I am a fish out of water, as I said earlier, in this crazy parenthood walk.  I don't know anything about kids or cows which could be a dangerous combination.   I hope that after years of therapy, my kids can forgive me for being the crabby, "bossy" mom (yes, Ella called me that) and for the fact that they may score very low on their aptitude tests due to my lack of structure in their days.  But for now I will continue to find my own footing.  Relying on the One.  Assisting myself before assisting others as they say.  Except I will feed them, and clothe them, and help them with Legos, and read to them, and snuggle them, and wipe their tears, and make crafts with them, and play in the pool with them and continue to do what we do.