To Not Forget

I know people with amazing strength, the kind of strength that I cannot comprehend, and the ability to go on with life despite very sad trails.  I know people who have buried children, who fight debilitating diseases and who have suffered tragedy beyond comprehension.  I stand in awe of God's sovereignty and love in all of these situations. 

My trails are small.  My problems are tiny.  But I will not forget those valleys that I have been carried through.  I will not forget to be thankful the good days and for the days, like today, when I would rather take a long nap than play with Lincoln Logs.  Or for the days when getting out of bed and making the family breakfast seems like it should be an optional activity.   

Today is my stroke-iversary (that's anniversary date of my stroke -for anyone not understanding the words I make up).  It happened two years ago today.   I will not dwell - for that time was brief.  But I will not forget that valley. 

I remember:

• Countless nurses, doctors and physical therapists cared for me with selflessness.  They counseled my family.  They comforted my husband.  They made sure I could remember my name and the date over and over and over.  They cared for us.  What a blessing.  

• I was basically unconscious for 48 hours and remember very little of that time.  But I do know that nurses and lactation staff from the OB unit at the hospital came to my room and pumped for me so that Sam (only 3 weeks old at the time) could still receive my breast milk.  There was never a break in the supply and he went on to nurse normally once I had returned home.  What a blessing.  

• Our church family and our friends provided meals for more than 2 months.  I can still remember many of them and how good they tasted.  They met a basic need for everyone helping to care for me and my children.  What a blessing.  

• Friends and family came to the hospital.  I don't remember all of them - even those who were able to come into my room.   They brought food and magazines and smiles.  One friend is a massage therapist and he gave my family therapy right there in the family waiting room.  What a blessing.  

My hope is to always pass on some of that great goodness that God showered on me and my family during that time. 


I will not forget.  Thank you. 


Below are my brief accounts of the days following the stroke.  I wrote them in my Facebook account since I didn't have a blog.  I never kept a journal of the time, so these words and memories mean a great deal to me.  

June 14, 2009 at 5:35 p.m. 
On Wednesday, June 10, I woke up and had breakfast as usual. I changed Samuel's diaper and as I picked him up I became incredible dizzy. I placed him on the floor and I collapsed as well - the room spinning. I asked Ella to quickly find my phone. She couldn't as it was in the basement. She and Owen ran to my neighbor Julies home and she came to my rescue, calling the ambulance, my husband and parents all in a matter of minutes.

We found out that morning that I had a stoke. This is my first time typing and it is very hard. I don't know all the details of what occurred, but I know it followed a vigorous neck adjustment that I had on Tuesday. Also, being 3 weeks postpartum puts me at more risk. This is all very rare.

Currently I am in the ICU and have been here since Wednesday. I was told on Friday that I needed emergency brain surgery and I am so thankful that it didn't happen thanks to a young doctor that was willing to wait and watch despite what his fellow physicians suggested. Each day that passes I am less likely to need surgery. I will be in the ICU for a least a couple of more days followed by time in a step down unit doing rehab. I will also transition to oral blood thinners at that time. I will likely be in the hospital until the 20th or so.

Thank you to all the amazing family, friends and neighbors who have helped during this very surreal and overwhelming time for us. My husband Jason is incredible and I could not have made it this far without his strength and positivity.

Please keep us in your prayers....that God takes over the situation and that my brain swelling goes down quickly.

I will try to updated once a day or so but it makes me so tired!

June 16, 2009 at 6:07 p.m.
I have found out a few more details about my current situation. The official diagnosis of my stroke is the Dissection of the Right Posterior Inferior Cerebellar Artery (PICA). On MRI, you are able to see that this artery is very narrow and even broken in a place that should be a continuation and that is where the blood flow was initially disrupted. Today I was told that I had an additional stroke on my left....what??? Thankfully, through an additional MRI, they confirmed that this looked possible but that the vessel studies were normally and thankfully they are now saying "no additional stroke". It has been a long day!

For all those medical people in my life - I have had 4 peripheral IV's, countless blood draws, 6 head ultrasounds, 2 MRI's/MRA's, all kinds of drugs....and now currently am on telemetry, have a 3 port PICC line ( 7.5% saline solution, heparin and a line for blood draws) and various other devices! I feel a bit helpless and my sleep is completely off!

Today I was able to get up and walk using a walker and a physical therapist. I am dizzy all of the time that I am up, but still able to move. They anticipate that I will not need a walker when I go home but that I will need work to build up my stamina.

My family is doing well and they are amazing. Thank you again for all of our thoughts and prayers to them. I miss my children so much and I am thankful for any moment to see them. Sam is 4 weeks old already and between the two of us we have spent 12 days of that in the hospital! I have only seen him for about an hour of time over the past week. I nursed from me the other night and fell asleep on my chest....it was just perfect.

I will remain in ICU for a few more critical things to come together. Once I am more stable I will move to a regular room - hopefully in a day or two.

June 18, 2009 at 5:56 p.m.
My Dad had a cardiac arrest more than 5 years ago in this very ER. His heart stopped as they placed monitors on his chest and they revived him. He also had a TIA (transient ishcemic attack) to the brain before being discharged. His life is changed forever from these events and he has written an amazing memoir about his experiences. What a tool this is for both of us now.

My Father-in-Law is a physician assistant in Neurology and has been doing this for about as long as I have been alive! He has a wealth of knowledge about the brain and also happens to be an amazing writer. His book, "It is All in You Head: The Tests Don't Show Everything" speaks to so much about pain and the medical community.

How is it that I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many people with so much love and knowledge about my current situation and what I may experience through recovery and life? God has been orchestrating so much of what has transpired! I could not be more blessed to have the support of those through this process as well as those who will help with my new life transition.

My progress today has been very good. I should move out of the ICU later tonight! I have less tubes than before and even took a shower for the first time - what a great day! It is great to hear things like, "You dogged a bullet" from the physicians! I am on track to be here through the weekend.

I still do not know what my long-term outcome will be. I converse normally, however I no longer feel "normal". I am still experiencing headaches, fatigue and dizziness regularly. This may be my new normal or just a transition period. My prayer is that it is teaching me along the way.

Thank you so much for those who have offered to help. I hope I can give it back someday to those that need it! Thank you again for giving me a forum to stay in touch and to journal a bit about my days. 

June 20, 2009 at 10:38 a.m.
After 2 days on the medical floor, I am heading home today! I am now giving myself shots of anti-coagulation medications, taking some orally and working on my electrolytes. I haven't given myself a shot since nursing school until today! I will continue to work on my balance and coordination for as long as that takes, but better to be at home in my own bed with my amazing family.

My current prayer request is for my husband. He is amazing. He has been my rock through this and I cannot imagine what he has gone through physically and mentally. He has only worked 2 days out of the past five weeks between Samuel's birth and my hospitalization, which has been amazing. However, we are wondering "now what?" as he was pursuing jobs that would require a move across the country to allow him to work and me to stay home with the kiddos. Please pray that God guides this journey and gives us clarity in the light of new circumstances.

The following days/months will be consumed with follow-up appointments and repeat MRI/CT scans to determine my blood work and healing of my artery. I know I will be very tired with everything happening. I would love to see everyone but I know that visits are just not realistic in my current state. Know that your calls, emails and facebooking means the world to me right now. This sense of normalcy is so important and I am grateful!


June 22, 2009 at 7:19 p.m.
I have been home for 2 days now and am enjoying sleeping in my bed without the wonderful nurses to wake me each hour to ask if I know my name and birthday. My family continues to help round the clock to ensure that I am getting rest. Our church has also been incredible by praying for us and setting up a dinner delivery schedule. What incredible blessings.....

I need to have someone with me to help take care of Sam. I cannot walk with him and that is frustrating but should come with time. Ella asked me why I walked funny and why I couldn't go up the stairs to her room. I suppose that is the hardest part of all - not knowing how to explain everything to my kiddos. They see my huge bruises and notice the little things. My hope is that they will work through this with me and it will make them stronger. In the mean time, they are having so much fun with everyone else :)

Tomorrow starts my first visit to the anti-coagulation clinic (aka how I prevent blood clots). I may be there daily or every few days for the first few weeks until my medications are regulated.

For now, I am considering myself "retired". I don't know when I would be able to return to work, but by God's perfect orchestration there is a wonderful instructor who has taken over my class this month. I hope another will continue at Blooma. Not teaching or being a nurse will be a huge challenge as I have so much passion for this arena. I would hope that those who have used Blooma or taken classes will continue to do so and refer to the amazing wealth of knowledge there. I know I will miss that role and hope that the opportunity will reveal itself again when I am ready. For now I will focus on me and my family which is a wonderful place to be.

This may be my last note - as there is little else to update other than my status! I am so thankful for the forum to connect with others. I never new what a blessing it would be for us! Wishing you all the best-